What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 17:01
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Is it true that most women like alpha males?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Democrats be honest, how many of you were wishing that Musk rescue space flight blew up?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
All the time i was locked up.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
She loved him until the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I don,t even have a pension.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was scared of men, in general
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I will be 64.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I said to her
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was very sick at this time too.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She married twice! .
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I write beautiful poetry .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!